Local Tint

John Archibald rocks my sh*t

This is why.

Update: This is also why (h/t Kathy).

P.S.  Stay tuned for for upcoming announcements of other things, places, people, and experiences that rock my sh*t, as well as a change of address notice.

It's almost like I was there

As I've griped elsewhere, The Birmingham News is pretty staid (not to mention, at times, just plain wrong), but occasionally their too-often-muzzled bulldog columnist John Archibald will hit a home run. His column on the "Top 10 Dumb Things" said at a Birmingham mayoral candidate forum was excellent. Witness:

• "'I will help the people of Birmingham if you elect me governor,' said Willis Hendrix" (who also denied the existence of racial discrimination in the city).
• Carole Smitherman: "'Birmingham needs a proactive leader,' she said. "'We don't need any more plans, we need solutions. My plan is ...'"  Excellent.
• Bernard Kincaid: "'In the city of Birmingham, if it bleeds, it leads,' Kincaid said. It's not crime, but 'perception of crime' that's the problem." As though Birmingham's shameful murder rate is just a  confabulation of the News's metro desk.

A forum like this could probably provide material to fill a special promotional insert; I'm sure Archibald showed considerable restraint culling it down to a mere 10.

The little cherub

Boy, 14, charged with arson in blaze in Inverness

A 14-year-old Shelby County boy was charged Tuesday with first-degree arson in connection with a fire that destroyed the 17,000-square-foot clubhouse at the Inverness Country Club Monday afternoon.

Hoover police arrested the boy at 5 p.m. Monday at his home after interviewing witnesses to the blaze and people who live in the boy's neighborhood, which is near the country club, said police Sgt. Rod Glover, who heads Hoover's crime scene investigation unit.

...

"This was an extremely dangerous situation which placed the lives of our Fire Department personnel at risk and totally destroyed the country club," [Hoover Assistant Police Chief A.C.] Roper said. "Our position is that the suspect should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law."

All's I know is this kid and his family had best find religion, and fast. I mean, if contrition and being white can get three church arsonists all the sympathy they enjoyed, what could that and being underage do for him? Stiff upper lip, young man. You could still be a Senator by the time you're 30.

Then they're idiots

Water Works board charges $2.50 for online payments

For years now, the only bill I've paid by paper is my water bill. Now the BWWB finally introduces an online payment method and they charge the customer for it. Fine. I'll continue to mail in my payment, and they can continue to pay what I'm sure is more than $2.50 in overhead to open and process it. Morons.

Unh-uh

No way this happened this morning:

...about 50 Brighton and Lipscomb residents showed at the Thursday morning work session to protest their new fire departments being cut from the county to-do list.

Surrounded by several dozen angry black people, Commission President Bettye Fine Collins freaked out and recessed the meeting to a time and place to be named later. Commissioners Collins, Jim Carns and Bobby Humphryes fled the conference room to their offices. Commissioner Shelia Smoot remained behind to lead the Brighton-Lipscomb pep rally, and Commissioner Larry Langford showed 20 minutes late, just in time to steal the thunder.

“My problem that I have here is that when we don’t want to hear something, we cancel the meeting,” Langford said. This is the third time the white Republican commissioners have abruptly adjourned a meeting in as many weeks.

...

In the commission offices around the corner, Commissioner Collins flitted about nervously, as if the barbarians were about to crash her gates. She ordered the commission offices secured from the crowd and told her staff to call the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Department.

After barking the orders, she disappeared down a stairwell, apparently leaving the building for a secure, undisclosed location.

How did Birmingham's alt-weekly blog manage to beat al.com's breaking news blog to this? Who knows. Maybe al.com is inured to it by now. Jeffco's GOP commissioners fleeing/storming out/pouting and going home from county commission meetings isn't exactly "breaking news" at this point. Who does business this way? Bobby Humphryes brings shame to his manly new office. You guys hold the majority; grow up already.

At long last, health care for the immensely comfortable

Surgical Center Proposal Draws Interest

St. Vincents is filing a certificate of need to build some outpatient surgery suites at it's One Nineteen (arabic numerals are so pedestrian, dear) Health and Wellness center down a frightful stretch of 280, rankling its competitors who apparently agree there's a mint to be made augmenting the breasts of women who want to avoid a drive into town.

Would that more than one provider were interested in one of Alabama's truly underserved areas--a dialysis or women's care clinic, maybe. But Hippocrates didn't have shareholders to answer to, am I right?

Fortunately, people own cars

Tax holiday not for all

Incredibly, some local municipalities are not joining the state and Jefferson County in suspending their sales taxes during next month's state sales tax holidays, created in April to ease the burden on parents buying their children's school supplies.

Among them is Trussville, with a nascent school system heavily reliant on sales taxes (perhaps that's the problem to begin with!).  Trussville School Board member Dennis Hill says "We're very dependent on sales tax. It's a large part of funding."  Homewood and Pleasant Grove are also standing pat. Pleasant Grove I don't get at all. They're not a shopping mecca and their schools are in the JeffCo system. But anyway.

It seems all these cities are doing is building bad will. Surely they realize they're simply driving shoppers to other areas, shoppers who may be less likely to return when the tax holiday is over.

For those looking to take advantage of the holiday:  The 4 percent state sales tax will be suspended on selected items from 12:01 a.m. Aug. 4 to midnight Aug. 6. Here are the nuts and bolts (including items covered). Here's a list of local governments participating.

Loathe the cartoonist, defend the cartoon

Langford Angered by News Political Cartoon

Jefferson County Commissioner Larry Langford on Tuesday called a recent Birmingham News editorial cartoon the most "racist and distasteful" work of art he's ever seen.

Here is the cartoon in question (click here for full size):

Now I cannot, in principle, defend the Scott Stantis. I can't. I won't. So, instead, I will point out the faulty points in Langford's "20-minute speech," given at Tuesday's County Commission meeting.

• "As opposed to worrying about who would lead you in the event of a pandemic, what they need to do is pray to God that if one happens, he spares you."
  No, pardon me, what we need to do is indeed to worry about who would lead us in the event of a pandemic. Not to disparage anyone's religious beliefs, but knowing competent local leaders are prepared to handle such a situation (or at least have a plan; hell, the seeds of a plan) would give me far more confidence than knowing someone's praying for bird flu to pass me over. God can be a little stingy with the divine protection--or at least capricious.
• "They have done more to hurt this community than help it. They always want to tell everybody what to do, when to do it, and they have brought nothing to the table."
  That's simply not true, and Langford must know it. The News has been on board for tax and constitutional reform for years, despite opposition from its readers.This past year they also took a stand against the death penalty as it is practiced in Alabama, a state that executes far more blacks for crimes against whites than the other way around. For this, also, they took criticism--and lost subscriptions--from readers. Lastly, it's the job of a newspaper, in service to its community, to point out its government's shortcomings.

I'll be the first to say that Scott Stantis can be offensive, but this cartoon just doesn't exemplify how Stantis can be both incredibly lame and incredibly offensive at once. Indeed, Langford's attempt to shoot the messenger only proves Stantis's point about ineffective local leaders. If this is the best response of our County Commision president to concerns about inadequate bird flu preparation, we are doomed.

This tickles me

Sgt.  Jack's Backyard Carnivals for Muscular Dystrophy (I was on the show on my 5th birthday).

The big red WBRC neon sign on Red Mountain--back when it used to alternate between "WBRC" and "6."

Getting a plastic golden egg from Mother Goose Shoes, Sykes, or Calhoun's when you got a pair of Buster Browns

Grayson's Spinning Wheel

Zayre and TG&Y (the latter had an extensive selection of Halloween costumes)

Field trips to Children Theater at the BJCC and the Festival of Arts at Boutwell

Saying "I-95" as many times as possible in 30 seconds

Bargain Town (just to look, of course; buying clothes there was unheard of)

Joe Langston, Tom York and Pat Gray

Dental Clinic Games

Getting out of school early to go to the Alabama State Fair

Saturday night wrestling on Channel 42 (that's for you, Alabamian)

The Rock-O-Plane at Kiddie Land

S&H Green Stamps

Club Deville, 2001, & Rockingham Palace, the real original Joe bar & Upside Down Plaza

The creepy lighting scheme of Vulcan's torch

Swimming at Holiday Beach

Bulk candy and nuts from Sears at Western Hills Mall

The India Shoppe in Century Plaza (a head shop if there ever was one)

Mr. Gatti's & Baskin-Robbins at the Loehmann's shopping center in Hoover.

More? See Birmingham Rewound.

UPDATE: If anyone can remember the name of that seafood restaurant that used to be at the corner of Riverchase Pkwy and Valleydale road (it had a lighthouse and a man-made lake) let  me know; it's driving me nuts.

What does this even mean?

Experts: City's education is cool

Ah, more crack reporting from the Birmingham News.  For this article to make a modicum of sense, I'm afraid we need more information. Though I understand the individual words of the headline above, in the order they appear they make no sense to me. Sadly, the text of the article only muddles the issue further (all emphasis mine):

A national coolness expert [nausea kicked in here] says Birmingham's educational opportunities are the number one amenity for its young professionals, in a report being released this week by the Birmingham Regional Chamber of Commerce.

Young professionals interviewed as part of the report say the city needs to build on its diversity, improve mass transit and offer more opportunities to be involved in leadership.

"Birmingham is way better than average," said Rebecca Ryan, an economist and founder of Next Generation Consulting. "But the message hasn't caught on in the city yet."

Are these consultants paid to produce vague 'findings' or simply to blow sunshine? (or blow sunshine in the form of vague 'findings?')

But hey, who cares? We're cool without even knowing it! Or maybe it's just residents of Birmingham proper who are. I'd let you know BUT THE ARTICLE DOESN'T ELABORATE! Other pieces of information that would have made this article remotely informative instead of infernally frustrating:

1. Which educational opportunities? Now, folks, we know they're not speaking of the Birmingham City School system. It's hemorrhaging students and consistently has the lowest test scores in the area. Then there's that pesky safety issue. So are these uber-hip young adults referring to metro-area K-12 opportunities, with an eye toward raising supercool children here,  or are they thinking of their own opportunities at local colleges and universities? Wouldn't that have been just a little enlightening? (especially since the reporter lead with that finding)
2. The "Birmingham proper"/"Birmingham Metro Area" question plagued me throughout the article. While the regional Chamber of Commerce commissioned the study, and references were made to the area's increase in young professionals, wording elsewhere in the article suggested the focus of the study was the city proper.  As we learned with that moronic study a few months ago that said that Birmingham is one of the 'most liberal' cities in America, these types of surveys mean very little if the metro area isn't included.  And it may have been in this case. We just don't know!

The full ranking of how the city/metro area/who knows did on the other measures is forthcoming this week. I realize this is 'cool' thing was probably too tempting to pass up, especially when the News is always trying to promote civic pride (sincerely), but if they didn't have more information from the 'coolness expert' than this, they should have waited. And if they did have the information that would have put this information into context and, for whatever reason, didn't make basic distinctions clear, well, that's just pathetic--and confusing.