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Yes we can.

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"The voters are smart..."

You hear that pandering bullshit line all the time from candidates. The Birmingham News, dutifully encouraging its readers to exercise their most sacred of civil rights, essentially idiot-proofs the process before every election by providing the answers to astoundingly asinine questions. Here's the list published today. I usually cut it out and take it to my polling place with me to amuse me while I wait.  

• So this is not the presidential election? No. The presidential election is Nov. 4, but Tuesday's voting in Alabama and more than 20 other states could determine who the Democratic and Republican presidential nominees ultimately are.
• Can I still register to vote on Tuesday? No. The registration deadline was Jan. 25.
• If I vote Tuesday, do I get to vote in both party primaries? No. You must choose one.

This one's great:

• Suppose when I am voting, I choose someone for president but then I want to choose delegates for another candidate. You're wasting your time. Your presidential choice will be counted, but your delegate choices will not be.

Couldn't they have ended that last one with "For the love of God, just stay home"? Some suggestions for the News's November FAQ:

• What if it's cold outside today. How can I prevent being uncomfortable when I go vote?
• I want to support my favorite person, but I don't see my favorite Idol contestant's name here. Could the FCC be suppressing my rights?
• Suppose when I am voting, I begin to feel hungry. Can I eat my ballot?

People just don't hate like they used to

Candidates underwhelm Christian right

Gary Bauer calls the problem "a vacuum among conservative Republicans." There was agreement with that sentiment at "a meeting of the Council for National Policy, a secretive club whose few hundred members include Dr. James C. Dobson of Focus on the Family, the Rev. Jerry Falwell of Liberty University and Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform." (Fun room, no?)

Little surprise that John McCain and Rudy Guliani are too liberal for their tastes, with their respect for women and tolerance of homosexuals and all that, but seriously: what's wrong with Mike Huckabee?

Granted, he has expressed concern for the poor in the past, but he's totally on board with casting established scientific truths as topics of "debate." It's not too late to stay relevant, guys: Get him in front of some cameras saying "gravity" is actually God's invisible strings holding us to this flat disc liberal elites call "Earth," tell everyone Isaac Newton was gay, and you'll have a viable candidate in no time.